If I Were a Candy Bar
by VKCRACK
Summary: Yet Another Crack Fic. Version 2.0. More stupid humor, fairytales,Super Barkingweaselvamp and whatever you want. Seriously. First up is an Alice in Wonderland like parody, part 1 of maybe 3. Warning: Stupid humor, language. R&R.


VKC: I'm back to destroy souls. Yes, another crack fic, though I have yet to complete my other from three years ago. But whatever. Just get ready and enjoy.

Warning: First chapter ain't that funny. Deal with it. But at least have SOME fun.

Disclaimer: I don't own VK. Or Alice in Wonderland. Or F7U13. Just my wacked ideas.

Chapter 1: Silly Girls Get Curious

It was a warm summer's night. The moon was bright and full, giving a delicate sense of peace and magic; even the stars seemed to have a brilliance to them. Mosquitoes buzzed about, as frogs, crickets, and other night creatures sung their songs of annoyance.

Now, almost everyone in the mediocre manor was asleep. Well, except for a young girl of 16. This girl sat in the window seat, gazing at that promising moon, all the while a deep urge to go outside began to eat at her. Finally, without a sigh of defeat, she did just that. She crawled out of her window, crept along the roof until she reached a gutter to slide down on. Just as she reached the bottom, and was about to fix her short nightgown, something caught her eye.

Everything paused as she held her breath and snapped her head in the direction of the brief movement. At first, she saw nothing. And just as she was about to shrug it off, she saw it. Or rather, she saw him. His hair was a beautiful gold color that almost glittered in the moonlight. He seemed on the short side from a distance, and lean, and around the girl's age. Curiosity got the best of her, and before she could stop herself, the young girl was running towards this man. No red flags of danger or stupidity went off in her mind. Hell, she didn't give a flying frumanatsu bat! All that mattered was to find out where it was this young man was going. As soon as she gained on him, the mysterious guy never seeming aware of her presence, she called out to him.

"HEY YOU! PRETTY HAIRED GUY!" It was a miracle no one in the manor woke up to the high pitched scream. But it was enough for the young man to pause in midstride and look around. Only then did his obliviousness subside and he noticed the girl for the first time. They stared at one another, each suddenly unsure of what to do next.

"Beep beep, beep beep, beep beep…" Said Alarm. The guy looked down at the digital watch that adorned his wrist, his eyes widening at the time.

"Fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuu-!" He yelled, his shout scaring off a flock of once happily snoozing birds. "I'm late! Damn… this is so not good!" He turned away from the girl forgetting about her completely and began sprinting towards a tree.

"Wait…!" She shouted, but it fell on deaf ears. There was only one thing to do and that was to become a curious bitch and follow the stranger into what could only lead to eminent death. And follow him she did. She followed that strange man to the large tree, down some large "rabbit hole" and fell. She fell and fell and fell. It felt like hours of falling. Imagine that for a second-hours of feeling like you're on a rollercoaster, just going down this long ass hill, your stomach in your throat doing flops and adrenaline continuously making you sick with excitement. Excitement that would finally be replaced by boredom. But she did reach the bottom, at long last. But instead of finding herself trapped at the bottom of an impossibly long pit, she was in a room.

This room was plain, in the sense that it was all sterile white. It felt cold and uninviting, just like the waiting room of a doctor's office (though credit to those that ATTEMPT to make your visit seem like it's going to be nice and pleasurable.). The only piece of furniture was a medium sized glass table. On top of the surface was a small bottle saying "Drink Me!" and a box reading "EAT ME!" She looked at both of them before the first smart thought came to mind. No, it wasn't avoiding the objects. Of course she'd have to follow the instructions; instead she took them and placed them on the floor. That's when she noticed the small door. It was tiny… small to the point she had to get down on her hands and knees to stare the thing in the eyes.

"You have eyeballs!" She stated somewhat dumbly. The door looked at her, aware of her presence for the first time.

"Oh… Aidou the First Class Idiot said you would be coming," said the door, somewhat dully. "What's your name, kid?"

"Uh… it's Yuuki. Who are you and who's Aidou the First Class Idiot?" Fascination filled her eyes as the door sighed.

"My name is Kain. I'm the door that leads into a world… well, let's just say it's wackier than an acid trip. Ever done acid?" He continued after seeing a simple shake of her head. "Well, after this, you'll never want to nor have any need to. You're in for a world of… fuck. Just drink the bottle and see for yourself."

Yuuki glanced around for a moment before grabbing and opening the bottle. She looked at it with uncertainty before giving a simple shrug of her shoulders. She brought the small bottle to her lips and took a sip. It tasted strange… like as if she were biting into freshly washed linen with a hint of grape. It wasn't so bad. She giggled a little as she felt her body start to tingle, and before a gasp could even slip pass her lips, she was shrinking. Down, down, down…she kept shrinking until she was now small enough to go through the door.

"Hey! I can enter the door now! Please, Kain, let me in! Let me see the marvelous things there are to see!" She tried jiggling the handle, but the Kain held fast.

"I need a key, dummy. I can't just open because you will it or whatever." He stated with much annoyance. Yuuki remained oblivious as her face contorted to confusion.

"Where will I ever find a key? There wasn't one on the table or anything…" Her eyes trailed to the glass table. There appeared a key. "But… how will I get to it? I'm much too-"

"Oh for crying out loud! Eat a damn cookie, grab the key, and then drink from the bottle! What else would you do? Gees, what is with the dumb women that come through her?! What, I'm supposed to just act like a loose door and let just anyone in? I mean seriously! And look at you! Can we say ridiculous?!" On and on did the complaints go.

Yuuki ate a cookie from the box, shooting up in height. But the feelings of accomplishment she knew she was supposed to be feeling never came. Instead the tears started. At first, it was just a small stream. But then, they came pouring down. At least she had enough sense to hold onto the key and drink of them bottle just as the room began to drown in the tears. It was plain that Kain had hurt her feelings.

"Really?!" He sighed, cursing his knobby existence. "Please… don't cry…" He knew there was no making her stop, so why not have a little fun with sarcasm?

While the room was filling up and Kain was complaining, Yuuki happened to drink too much of the liquid. Soon enough she fell into the bottle. She squirmed her way up to the lip, key still in hand, and paddled to the door. She shoved the key through the hole mercilessly and forced him open. At least she had enough sense in her compared to the last chick.

There was something about walruses and little clams (or where they muscles or oysters?), and even a bird. But she paid no attention. Her eyes were on Aidou the First Class Idiot drifting to shore in a rather large umbrella. He landed on the sandy beaches, folded up the umbrella, and shoved it into a log. He then disappeared into a vast jungle.

Yuuki, not wanting to become separated from Aidou once more, began to paddle with all her strength to the shore. Soon enough she was tumbling out of the bottle and onto the sand. She quickly picked up on the tracks and stumbled her way after them. What she had originally though would be an easy game of chase was destroyed. Trees taller and larger than any tree she had ever seen surrounded her. Vines, flora, and strange plants seemed to suffocate her. There was no way she was going to find Aidou, let alone a way out. Terror began to fill her, especially as an eerie laugh and glowing eyes began to surround her.

"Such a silly girl. Even a crumb would suffice," said a strange voice. It was a man, but it almost sounded childish. Yuuki instantly liked it.

"Just who are you, person thing?" She called out. "And where am I?"

"Hehehehehe…. Oh Silly girl. Dream or nightmare is what is not it. Look inside." Finally the creature came to light sitting on a branch high up in a tree. Yuuki stared at it, unsure of what to make of the creature.

It was something cross between a cat, panda, and maybe a hint of a hamster; his for looked soft and was white and black, and the ears resembled that of a panda. Yet, it looked like this panda was born with the shape of a cat. The tail belonged to that of a hamster. Yet the oddest part of this creature was the wings that spouted from its back, as well as the glasses and pony tail the thing sported.

"Who… what.. ARE YOU?" It took every ounce of her being to not climb up that tree like a monkey and hug it.

"I am of many, but of so few. My name you know, but don't realize," he said with a maddening grin. It looked more adorable than the potential menacing he may have been attempting. "You can simply call me Cross. I'm a Hampanat. I am the spirit of this land. I like to confuse people, too." He stated after her face had scrunched up into obvious confusion.

"Uh right. So, where am I and where can I find Aidou?" Yuuki folded her arms across her chest, starting to feel unsure about this adorable creature.

"One will say left, the other right. But which is right and which is left? West is South and North hot." With that, Cross burst out into laughter and disappeared before another question could be asked by Yuukie.

"Well… that was SO helpful, you stupid Hampanat!" Great. She was lost. Forever.

VKC: Alright, there we have it! Chapter one. Thanks for those of you who actually sat through this and read it.. hahaha. You guys are my heroes. There will be more. Oh yes. So much more. Chapter 2 will be up soon! Remember, everybody likes reviews. Also, since this is a crack fic, feel free to spam me with ideas, challenges, etc. that you would like to read.

And remember, folks: The bread only talks when the crumbs fall.


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